my mouth tastes like poor choices
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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