my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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