yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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