i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
