I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
