How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
