i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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