you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
