i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wear drunk well.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
