I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
