I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
