I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
