i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
