I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
