I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
