I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
