i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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