What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
