I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
