Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
