I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
