fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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