I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Randomize
