How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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