Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
