cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
