If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
