Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
