i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I AM VODKA MAN
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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