Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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