is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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