he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
