were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
