Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
