that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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