he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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