I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
