we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
