my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
