Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
