george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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