I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
