the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
