I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
