mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
