Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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