I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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