Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
