So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I wish there were birth control emojis
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
