It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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