Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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