My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
