I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
