I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
